From Shame to Self-Worth

Commonly asked questions about self-esteem:

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a concept developed by Dr. Kristin Neff. When we practice self-compassion, we remind ourselves that we are deserving of love, inherently, no matter what. Self-compassion offers an alternative to viewing ourselves as only having worth based on our successes or based on what we can provide to others. Self-compassion is not a free pass or an excuse for our misdeeds. Instead, practicing self-compassion helps us recognize that we can change, we can make amends for our mistakes and can be forgiven.

Is perfectionism a trauma response?

While we all respond to traumatic events differently, perfectionism is a common trauma response. Children who experience trauma are often unable to understand why this bad thing is happening. They might come to believe that the bad thing happened because they themselves are bad. This can be especially true in instances of interpersonal trauma (e.g. abuse, interpersonal violence, neglect). People who grow up believing they are bad or “not enough” often develop perfectionist qualities. They may work themselves to the point of exhaustion or burnout in their pursuit of perfection - always seeking the next impressive accomplishment that  might make them worthy or lovable in others’ eyes. Perfectionists often chase accomplishments, status and external validation because they struggle to feel good enough or raise their self-esteem.

How do I overcome perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a strategy that we employ to secure love and affection from others. Most perfectionists did not grow up with an assurance that they are innately worthy or deserving of love. They were not allowed the freedom to make mistakes and learned to beat themselves up for self-perceived faults and failures. In the safe space of therapy, we can recognize the anxiety and intense discomfort that comes with not being perfect. By inviting just a little bit of that discomfort into our sessions, we can build our distress tolerance skills. In this way, we can work to shift from a fixed, perfectionist mindset to a growth mindset that values effort over outcomes and views failure as an opportunity for learning, not ridicule. We can integrate this work into an evolving view of ourselves as dynamic and growing - someone with faults and imperfections but ultimately deserving of love.

What is a growth mindset?

The concept of a growth mindset was developed by Dr. Carol Dweck. Someone with a growth mindset views effort and even failure as key parts of the learning experience. They are comfortable taking risks and trying new things. When they encounter failure, they can identify what went wrong and how they can adapt, grow and learn from the experience. They understand themselves as adaptable and their skills as growing over time.

In contrast, someone with a fixed mindset views their skills and talents as innate and fixed. For someone with a fixed mindset, failure is not an opportunity to learn, but a shameful experience and an opportunity for ridicule. Someone with a fixed mindset is typically risk-adverse because new experiences (even if they seem exciting, fun, meaningful or financially rewarding) have far too much potential for failure. Often, adults with a fixed mindset were praised for being “gifted” or “smart” rather than for trying hard or demonstrating effort.

Shifting our mindset from fixed to growth involves soliciting informed feedback, celebrating efforts over results and reflecting on what you have learned from both challenges and successes. Games and hobbies can offer us a sandbox environment where failure is more acceptable and has less serious consequences. A strong therapeutic relationship in which we feel accepted (even when we make mistakes) can also help foster a growth mindset.

Why is it important for adults to experience play time?

Perfectionists and other people with low self-esteem often struggle to play. By definition, play is unproductive - if it made us money we would call it work. Rarely, do playful pursuits command much status or respect. What do we lose when we cannot play? Joy, for one thing. When we choose to play - by picking up a video game, messing around on an instrument, doing some “non-required” reading - we are choosing to follow a passion and valuing joy over productivity. The carefree nature of play means that there is less risk in trying something new. If we are just playing around, we can try, fail and try again - this is the exact process of experimentation that perfectionists are missing in their lives. Cultivating a growth mindset in our hobbies and play can help cultivate a more growth-minded approach to work, relationships and life in general. 

Play can also help heal deep, interpersonal trauma. Often, children who experience a traumatic event are forced to grow up early. For many adults, making time to play is about more than blowing off some steam. Instead, play can be a way of telling their child self that they matter, their needs are valid and it wasn’t right that they had to grow up so young.

What is the window of tolerance?

The window of tolerance was developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. The window is a metaphor for understanding our ability to regulate our emotions. We all have a range of emotions (our “window”) that we can tolerate and process effectively. In-the-moment stressors (e.g. hunger, illness, lack of sleep) can shrink our window of tolerance as can past traumatic events in our life. When we are within our window, we can access emotion regulation skills, communicate effectively and generally take care of our needs. When stress pushes us outside of our window, we experience either hyperarousal - “blowing up,” screaming, fighting, breaking things - or hypoarousal - “shutting down,” tears, numbness, dissociation. 

Secure relationships, in which we feel wanted, safe and valid, can help expand our window. Within the secure container of the therapeutic relationship, we can practice going to the edge of our tolerable range - experiencing a small taste of the distressing thought or emotion. Much like a weightlifter who gradually adds weight to the bar, we can expect a gradual but steady growth in our ability to regulate and tolerate difficult feelings. Over time, we learn to accept sadness, anger and fear as normal human experiences and can feel confident in our ability to tolerate distress and regulate our emotions.

How can therapy make me feel safer?

Building safety in therapy starts with our client-therapist relationship. The therapist’s expectations are made explicit and are kept low - it can be enough for clients to just show up! Choice is prioritized (“what do you want out of this session?”) but direction is also offered. We highlight your strengths and skills over any perceived deficits. From a place of secure client-therapist connection, we aim to strengthen your relationship with yourself - turning you into your own safe resource. Often, this involves noticing ways you have grown as a person - stronger, wiser and more capable with greater control and agency over your life.