Deepen Intimacy with Partners
What is attachment and how does it affect my relationships?
Can therapy help me feel closer to my partner?
Therapy can help if...
You have difficulty communicating your emotions and needs
You and your partner seem to have the same fight over and over again
You wish there was more emotional, physical and sexual intimacy in your romantic relationships
You experience overwhelming and exhausting jealousy, fear of being cheated on or fear of abandonment
You engage in people pleasing to avoid interpersonal conflict and possible rejection
You feel overreliant on your partner for social and emotional outlets
My approach:
I approach relationship challenges through the lens of attachment. At its core, attachment science tells us that deep down all human beings want to be loved and that we all employ certain attachment strategies in our pursuit of love. In therapy, our goal is to get below the surface concerns - the fighting, the cheating, the jealousy, the porn addiction, the “dead bedroom," etc. - to the deeper attachment story. By approaching those surface challenges with non-judgemental curiosity we can notice patterns - e.g., what happens before and after a fight? We can follow the thread of environmental factors influencing thoughts, which influence feelings which influence behaviors. We can normalize and validate feelings while separating the underlying emotions from problematic behaviors that might not align with our personal values. Once we have a better map of the emotional cycle we go through with our partner, we can identify different ways of communicating our needs and feelings. We can approach relationship concerns with mutual trust, understanding and vulnerability.
Relationship and attachment-focused therapy has helped past clients achieve:
Greater satisfaction and fulfillment in their romantic relationships
Confidence to express needs and emotions without fear of rejection, conflict or abandonment
Increased vulnerability, intimacy and trust with partners
Greater alignment with personal values
How to reach out:
If you are on this page, you’re probably concerned about the health of your relationship and are looking to deepen your connection with your partner. If you found this page helpful or if you just want to learn more, please schedule a consultation today!
Common questions about attachment and relationships
What are attachment styles?
Our attachment style is the general strategy we employ when relating to others. Our attachment style can be identified in our interactions with partners, close friends, family members, mentors, therapists and others in our life. Researchers have identified four “attachment styles.”
If we are securely attached we generally trust loved ones to be there for us when we need them. We have confidence in ourselves to explore new relationships and new ventures. We trust ourselves, our partner and our relationship to withstand challenges and to successfully navigate conflicts - often emerging stronger as a result.
If we have an anxious attachment style we might fear that our loved ones don’t really care about us. We struggle with trust and might experience jealousy or extreme distress if we sense any distance from our partner. Ironically, this intense need for closeness can have the unintended effect of driving others away. When people pull away from us we often pursue them harder, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of distress.
If we are more avoidantly attached. We also fear that loved ones do not really care for us. However, instead of anxiously pursuing, we tend to withdraw. We often avoid conflict out of a belief that our relationship needs will only burden others and drive them away. We can struggle to speak up for our needs and might be labeled a “people pleaser.” Sometimes we avoid close relationships with others entirely. It isn’t that we want to be alone, but self-isolation may feel better than the pain of rejection and abandonment.
If we have a disorganized attachment style we may move between anxious and avoidant modes frequently. Often, our loved ones have also been sources of abuse and harm. We may feel as if we cannot get love from others no matter what strategy we employ.
How do attachment styles form?
Attachment styles form very early in our lives. We all want to be loved and cared for. As infants, we are helpless on our own and must cue the adults around us to take care of our needs. We quickly learn how they respond to us when we cry. If they respond consistently and lovingly, we likely become more securely attached. If they are inconsistent but respond most when we go to an extreme we might become more anxiously attached. If the adults around us are consistently distant - perhaps even seemingly distressed by our distress - we may become more avoidant. When the adults are abusive and hurtful we can become disorganized - associating love and security with harm and unsure how to best cue for support and closeness.
How does my attachment style affect my relationship?
Anxiously attached people can feel jealous of their partner and distrustful of the relationship’s strength. Any distance from their partner can be intolerable and they may want to be together at all times. This can put considerable strain on the relationship as it does not allow our partners to experience healthy separation and independence. If partners try to assert boundaries, the anxiously attached partner may become even more distressed and pursue even harder.
Avoidantly attached people can feel smothered in relationships. Getting too close to someone can cause distress and they may try to maintain rigid boundaries and an aloof detachment. They may also fear burdening partners with their problems and may avoid conflict, believing that the relationship cannot weather the storm. This can put strain on a relationship, as partners may feel locked out of the avoidant partner’s inner world. Sometimes avoidantly attached people can appear as if they do not even like the people closest to them. Of course, this is just appearance and doesn’t reflect their love that is just difficult to express.
In contrast, securely attached people are able to manage both closeness and distance. They can have deep, vulnerable moments of connection with a partner while also having moments of healthy separation. These relationships have a foundation of trust - both trust that partners can tolerate and care for us when we are distressed and trust that partners can have a life outside of the relationship and still return to us again and again.
Can attachment styles be changed?
Yes! And in fact, this is often a goal of therapy. Attachment styles are working models of relationships. If we feed in new data, the model responds and changes. A new partner, friend, mentor or other close individual who responds to our needs for love in a secure way can move us towards a more secure attachment style. Similarly, a therapist who holds our distress with us in a session and continues to show up for us week after week can help us develop a more secure attachment style. The goal of therapy is not for the therapist to be the only secure person in our life. Instead, we work to build a secure relationship to our self - learning to tolerate our own distress, validate our needs and regulate our emotions. This secure relationship to self becomes a base upon which other secure relationships can be built.
